Living with BPD: Navigating Guilt, Self-Hate, and Extreme Depression

Living with BPD: Navigating Guilt, Self-Hate, and Extreme Depression

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is like riding a rollercoaster that you never signed up for. It's a journey of intense emotions, unpredictable mood swings, and overwhelming guilt and self-hate that can leave you feeling isolated and misunderstood. Today, I want to share my personal experience with BPD, the impact it has on my relationships, and how Evolve Supply Co. aims to make a difference.

The Guilt and Self-Hate

After a BPD episode, the guilt and self-hate come crashing down like a tidal wave. It's like watching myself from the outside, helplessly screaming for it to stop, but being unable to control the storm raging within. The guilt is suffocating, knowing that my actions have caused stress and sometimes even trauma to those around me. Their looks of concern or disappointment cut deeper than any words could. It's in these moments I feel I deserve to be alone, convinced that people are better off without me in their lives.

The cycle of guilt and self-hate is relentless. I often push people away, feeling that they shouldn't have to deal with my unpredictable outbursts. The fear of hurting those I care about fuels my desire for isolation. It's a vicious cycle: I crave connection but push it away out of fear of causing harm.

The Extreme Emotional Swings

BPD episodes are characterized by sudden, extreme emotional ups and downs. One moment, I can be laughing and joking around, and the next, I'm engulfed in rage. These episodes, often referred to as "splitting," can turn my best friend into someone I despise in the blink of an eye. Maintaining relationships is incredibly challenging when I oscillate between extremes, leaving my loved ones walking on eggshells, never knowing what to expect.

After an episode, a wave of depression often follows. It's a calm, almost eerie stillness that settles over me. The depression is profound but fleeting; in a few minutes, I can go about my day as if nothing happened. But the emotional toll is exhausting, leaving me drained and sometimes feeling like a shell of myself.

 

Coping Strategies for BPD Episodes

Living with BPD is undeniably challenging, but there are ways to cope with the intense emotions and help manage episodes:

For those witnessing a BPD episode:

1. Stay Calm: Your calm presence can help de-escalate the situation.
2. Offer Support: Let them know you are there for them, without judgment.
3. Set Boundaries: It’s okay to set boundaries to protect your own well-being.

For those experiencing a BPD episode:

1. Practice Grounding Techniques: Focus on your senses to stay present (e.g., holding an ice cube, deep breathing).
2. Create a Safe Space: Have a designated place where you feel secure and can retreat to during an episode.
3. Seek Professional Help: Regular therapy can provide tools and strategies to manage episodes effectively.

 

 

The Painful Reality of BPD

BPD is considered one of the most painful mental illnesses to live with, contributing to the highest suicide rates among mental health conditions. The extreme emotional volatility, coupled with the guilt and self-hate, makes every day a battle. It's why raising awareness and providing support is crucial.

At Evolve Supply Co., we’re committed to making a difference. We donate 20% of our profits to Rise Above The Disorder, an organization that helps cover therapy costs for those in need. It's our way of giving back and supporting those who walk a similar path.

 

A Personal Note

To everyone living with BPD, know that you are not alone. Your pain is real, your struggles are valid, and your journey is unique. By sharing our stories, we can create a community of understanding and support. Together, we can break the stigma, raise awareness, and foster a world where mental health is prioritized.

With love and solidarity,

Tyler Florence
Founder of Evolve Supply Co. 🖤 

 

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