Surviving Suicide: My Journey from Darkness to Hope

This week, I'm opening up about something deeply personal and still often considered taboo: suicide. I believe we don't talk about this enough, even though millions of people are fighting for their lives every day. By sharing my story, I hope to raise awareness and shed light on this important topic. I’m going to share how I survived my suicide attempt, what led up to it, and the mental aftermath of living through it. This isn’t just my story—it's a glimpse into what so many people endure. My hope is that by being open and honest, I can help end the stigma surrounding suicide and start a much-needed conversation.

November 19 will be a day I’ll never forget for two reasons. Most recently, It was the day that I lost my son Jagger in 2013; but four years prior to the exact day, was the day I tried to take my life and almost succeeded. November 19, 2009 I survived my own attempt on ending my life. 

Fifteen years ago, I was in a toxic, abusive relationship with my first girlfriend. I struggled with severe depression and undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The relationship triggered frequent BPD episodes, and I was constantly belittled, gaslighted, and called “psycho.” I was also hiding my sexuality and had been sexually assaulted six months prior, which made things worse. My girlfriend and coworkers mocked me about it, adding to my anxiety and depression.

The constant pain led to self-harm and daily panic attacks. I felt trapped and unsupported, fearing I’d keep getting the cops called on me because my girlfriend at the time and even family members would call the police during my panic attacks, further isolating me. I quit my job to escape the stress and toxicity and began college, but continued to self-harm and suffer intense panic attacks fueled from the toxic relationship and lack of support over the assault.

With no support from friends or my then girlfriend, who fuelled my self-doubt by calling me “crazy,” I started believing I was truly a psycho. The constant police interventions made me feel hopeless and misunderstood, and I never received the help I desperately needed from doctors or anyone else.

On the day it happened I didn’t plan on doing it at all. That’s super important. It was actually a pretty good day and me and my girlfriend at the time were going to watch the meteor shower outside of the city that night. I was actually in a good state of mind I thought and was excited for the day. I didn’t know that night I would try to end my life. We were at the meteor shower and I remember we got into a fight about something and she was pushing me and pushing me when I kept telling her to stop or I was going to have an episode. We were on our way home on the highway and she just kept pushing me and pushing me. I remember yelling at her to just stop because I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew I was getting to that point and I needed her to stop. She wouldn’t and then out of nowhere everything went silent, I couldn’t hear her yelling, the pain in my chest went away, I went completely numb. I remember taking off my seatbelt being super calm. I unlocked the door of the car, opened the door and was watching the road fly by going 100km an hour. I remember stepping out of the car and then everything went black. It was over. Finally. 

I remember coming in and out of consciousness at the hospital. My mom was there, they were talking about air lifting me to Edmonton. I had multiple skull fractures, a bleeding and swelling brain, a blown out ear drum and road rash all the way down my body. I was bleeding out of my ear and they were scrubbing my body down to try to get all the gravel out of my wounds. I just remember it being a bad dream. But I knew what had happened. I was lucky to be alive and I remember the doctors saying I was lucky to walk away with the injuries that I did. After being discharged from the hospital I had to have help walking and the right side of my face was paralyzed for weeks. My mom had to take time off work to tend to me. I lost my sense of taste and smell for almost a decade. I’m deaf in one ear from the impact blowing my eardrum out, and my right side of my body is in pain most days. And my short term memory has been severely affected ever since.

Only recently did I realize that the emotional and psychological injuries I sustained were far more significant than I initially thought. “The accident,” as I refer to it, changed me profoundly. I’m not the same person I was before. The bubbly outgoing Tyler prior to the accident is now very introverted and socially anxious. The thoughts and feelings of failing to end my life have been a double-edged sword. On one hand, they keep me safe because I know I my breaking point and am too scared to do it again. On the other hand, they deepened my sense of being trapped because I fear the possibility of failing once more.

This fear haunts and terrifies me. The thought of trying again and failing, or succeeding, is a constant burden. Over the past year, I’ve finally opened up about my mental health struggles, and the support I’ve received from family and friends has been overwhelming. I reached a breaking point where I knew I had to speak up or risk losing control and attempting again.

The past year has been one of healing, navigating through various medications and diagnoses. It’s been a rollercoaster, but for the first time in a long time, those dark thoughts are becoming less frequent, and I’m beginning to feel hopeful.

I want to share this because if you’re going through something similar, know that it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to be scared, and it’s okay to lean on others. Speaking up saved my life, and it can make a difference for you too. Healing is a journey, and while it may be long and challenging, there is hope. You don’t have to go through it alone.

People need to realize that suicide isn’t a cause of death. It’s a symptom. Usually the last symptom. People die from untreated mental illnesses. People die from depression not suicide. It’s not something that is always planned. I didn’t think I would end my life that morning. Our healthcare system here is broken. Years after my attempt I’m still struggling to find the support I need. It shouldn’t be like that. I know so many people in the same situation or worse. We need to fix the system and take mental health very seriously. There IS a breaking point where your body doesn’t protect you from yourself anymore. That’s terrifying and people need to understand that. It’s not something you can just do. You have to be in a certain state of mind where your body gives up on you too. 

If you are going through a hard time, know you are not alone. Many people, including myself, have faced similar struggles. As a survivor, I understand how challenging it is to live with the aftermath of trauma. It can feel overwhelming, and the weight of it can make each day a battle. But I want you to know that it’s okay to seek help and share your pain.

For those who haven’t experienced this kind of trauma, please take a moment to check on your friends and family. Mental health is something we don’t discuss enough, often because of the stigma attached to it. I know firsthand how dangerous this silence can be; I almost lost my life because I didn’t feel comfortable speaking out.

 It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to talk about your feelings and what you’re going through. Holding it in only makes things worse. Hiding your pain doesn’t make it disappear; it amplifies it. I urge you to reach out, to speak up, and to let others in. Your mental health matters, and sharing your struggles can be the first step toward healing.

 xo

       Tyler