Breakups and Borderline Personality Disorder: My Personal Experience
Breakups are hard for everyone, but when you live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), they’re not just emotionally painful—they’re physically devastating. I’m not talking about a standard heartbreak. I’m talking about an all-consuming pain that grips you to your core, leaving you unable to function. With BPD, the fear of abandonment is so intense that it’s not just a thought—it’s a living, breathing monster that follows you everywhere. For me, going through a breakup doesn’t feel like just losing a partner; it feels like losing my entire self.
When someone with BPD loves, we love with everything we have and will do anything to fix things. We love fast and we love hard and that love is unconditional. Our love is deep, intense, and all-encompassing. So, when that connection breaks, the pain is magnified in ways that are hard to put into words. It’s literally like a piece of your soul has been ripped out, leaving a void so large that the emotional agony actually manifests itself as physical pain. I’ve often found myself curled up in bed, unable to breathe, with sharp pangs in my chest. It feels like my heart is literally breaking.
The Fear of Abandonment: An Overwhelming Obsession
For someone with BPD, the fear of abandonment is a constant, looming threat. After a breakup, the irrational but overpowering thought that everyone will leave you becomes suffocating. It’s an obsession that can’t be switched off. I’ve spent countless hours wondering, Am I unlovable? Will anybody actually stay with me? Why am I not good enough? And even I deserve to be alone.” The fear doesn’t just pass after a few days or weeks. It lingers, gnawing at your thoughts and making you question everything about yourself.
This fear is so overwhelming that it impacts my ability to function in daily life. Simple tasks like getting out of bed or having a shower become insurmountable challenges. It feels like the entire world has crumbled beneath my feet, and no amount of reassurance or self-talk can make it go away. The constant doubt and insecurity flood my mind with anxiety, making even the thought of being alone absolutely unbearable.
The Dark Side: Suicidal Ideation and Self-Hate
One of the hardest parts of going through a breakup with BPD is the wave of suicidal thoughts that often follows. I hate to admit it, but there have been many times when the emotional pain becomes so unbearable that I don’t see a way out. It’s not that I truly want to die—I just want the pain to stop. The intensity of the emotions is so overwhelming that it feels like the only way to escape is by ending it all. This is a common experience for many people with BPD, and it’s incredibly scary.
The guilt and shame I feel after a breakup are debilitating. I’m constantly blaming myself, thinking that if only I were different, things wouldn’t have ended the way they did. I spiral into negative intrusive thoughts, convinced that I’m unworthy of love, and that I’ll be alone forever. The emotional burden is so heavy that it’s hard to see past the heartbreak and believe that things will get better.
The Trauma of Loss: It’s More Than Just a Breakup
For someone with BPD, a breakup isn’t just a breakup—it’s a traumatic event. It’s like grieving the loss of a loved one, but worse. The connection I had with that person was my lifeline, and without it, everything feels like it’s falling apart. It triggers manic depressive behaviors, where I swing from intense sadness to anger, fear, and panic within minutes. The emotional rollercoaster never stops.
People often don’t realize that the love someone with BPD feels is just as intense as the hurt. We love with everything, and when it’s over, the devastation is equally as powerful. Losing that connection is like losing a part of ourselves. That’s why, for many of us, maintaining some sort of relationship with an ex, whether it’s a friendship or even just sporadic communication, is crucial. We need constant reassurance that we’re not being abandoned, that we’re not alone in this world.
Coping with the Pain: Finding Healthy Outlets
As unbearable as the emotional pain is, I’ve found ways to cope that help me move forward, even when I feel like I can’t. Talking to friends is incredibly important, especially during those moments when it feels like I’m drowning. Simply having someone listen to my thoughts and reassure me that I’m not alone can make a world of difference. For people with BPD, knowing that someone cares is often enough to help break through the overwhelming feelings of isolation.
Therapy has also been a lifesaver for me. It gives me a safe space to talk about my feelings, gain perspective, and learn coping mechanisms. Exercise has become another outlet—something as simple as going for a walk can help clear my mind and release some of the tension that builds up in my body. Self-care, like getting enough rest and doing things I enjoy, or having a bath is essential during times of emotional turmoil.
Another crucial step has been learning to have open communication with the people in my life, especially after a breakup. Whether it’s with the person I broke up with or my support network, talking about my feelings and having clear boundaries has helped ease the pain. The truth is, those of us with BPD don’t want to feel this way, but we need extra reassurance and support to function.
Breaking the Stigma: Understanding BPD and Breakups
There’s a lot of stigma around Borderline Personality Disorder, especially when it comes to relationships. Many people think that we’re just “overly emotional” or that we’re “too difficult to handle.” But the truth is, BPD is a mental illness that affects every aspect of our emotional world. We don’t choose to feel things so intensely—it’s how our brains are wired. Understanding that can go a long way in breaking the myths that surround the disorder.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, around 1.4% of adults in the U.S. are diagnosed with BPD, and it disproportionately affects women. However, men can have it too, and often go undiagnosed due to stigma. The mood swings, intense emotions, and fear of abandonment are very real and can be debilitating, especially during breakups.
Common treatments for BPD include Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), and medication. These treatments can help manage the intense emotions and reduce the impulsivity that often comes with BPD. Having a strong support system, a therapist, and healthy coping strategies are key to managing the disorder.
Let’s Start a Conversation
At Evolve Supply Co., we understand how hard it is to live with BPD or any mental health disorder, and we’re committed to building a supportive, positive community. 20% of our profits go toward mental health initiatives, helping cover the cost of therapy for those who need it but can’t afford it. Let’s work together to end the stigma surrounding BPD and mental health. If you’ve experienced something similar, I encourage you to leave a comment and share your story. You are not alone, and together, we can break the silence.
XO
Tyler