Living in Black and White: Understanding BPD Splitting

Posted by Tyler – Let’s Talk About It Blog | Evolve Supply Co.

“I love you. I hate you. Don’t leave me.”

If you’ve ever felt this way—or been on the receiving end—you might be familiar with something called splitting. It’s one of the most misunderstood symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and it can leave both the person experiencing it and their loved ones feeling hurt, confused, and exhausted.

In this post, we’re breaking down what BPD splitting is, why it happens, and how to navigate it with compassion and clarity.

 

🧠 What Is BPD Splitting?

Splitting is a defence mechanism where someone sees people, situations, or even themselves in extremes: all good or all bad, perfect or worthless, love or hate—with nothing in between.

This black-and-white thinking is a hallmark symptom of BPD, and it’s often triggered by emotional stress, fear of abandonment, or perceived rejection.

For example:

• One day, a person with BPD might see their partner as loving and perfect.

• The next, they might view them as cruel or unsafe—often due to something as small as a delayed text.

This emotional whiplash isn’t manipulation—it’s survival.

💥 Why Splitting Happens

People with BPD often struggle to regulate emotions and feel a deep fear of being abandoned. Splitting acts as a protective mechanism:

• “If I push you away before you hurt me, maybe it won’t hurt as bad.”

• “If you disappoint me, I have to convince myself you’re bad so I can cope.”

It’s not about being dramatic. It’s about living in constant emotional overdrive—and trying to make sense of it all.

💔 The Impact of Splitting

On the person with BPD:

• Intense guilt after pushing someone away

• Feeling like they can’t trust their own emotions or judgments

• Deep loneliness and emotional instability

On loved ones:

• Feeling like they’re walking on eggshells

• Struggling to understand unpredictable mood swings

• Confusion from being “idealized” one day and “devalued” the next

💬 Real Talk: My Experience with Splitting

I’ve been there—terrified of losing someone and absolutely convinced they were going to leave me. One moment, I’d feel safe, deeply connected, like everything was okay. And then suddenly… I’d spiral. Out of nowhere, this fear would take over—this gut-wrenching panic that told me they didn’t love me anymore, that they were pulling away, that I wasn’t enough.

And I hate it. I hate when it happens. It’s like I’m trapped inside myself, watching from the outside as I become this version of me I don’t even recognize—a monster I never wanted to be. I say things I don’t mean. I push them away before they can hurt me. I treat someone I love so horribly… and it breaks me.

The guilt afterward is unbearable. It eats at me. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve love at all. And sometimes, in those dark moments, that shame turns inward so hard that I want to hurt myself—because punishing myself feels easier than forgiving myself.

But the truth is, I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone. I just didn’t know how to sit with the fear. I didn’t know how to calm the storm in my chest long enough to see that they weren’t leaving. That I was reacting to old wounds—not the present moment.

I’m learning now. Slowly. That I can feel the fear without letting it control me. That love doesn’t have to mean pain, and closeness doesn’t have to come with chaos. And most of all, that I can learn to love without destroying myself—or the person who’s trying to love me.

💡 How to Cope With Splitting

Whether you’re navigating it yourself or supporting someone who is, here are some strategies that can help:

For those with BPD:

• Pause and check in: Ask yourself, “Is this thought based on facts or fear?”

• Practice DBT skills (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)—especially distress tolerance and emotional regulation.

• Communicate honestly: Let people know when you’re feeling overwhelmed or triggered.

• Get support: Therapy can be life-changing. So can finding a community that gets it.

For loved ones:

• Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you—it’s about survival.

• Stay consistent. Reassure them with your actions, not just your words.

• Set boundaries with love. Compassion and self-protection can coexist.

• Educate yourself. The more you understand BPD, the less personal it feels.

🌱 Healing Is Possible

BPD splitting is painful—but it’s also something you can work through. With the right support, tools, and awareness, you can learn to hold both:
“I’m scared and I’m safe.”
“I feel abandoned and I’m not being left.”
“I’m hurting and I’m healing.”

You are not too much. You are not broken. You’re human.

🖤 Let’s Talk About It

At Evolve Supply Co., we’re not just about clothing—we’re about connection, healing, and showing up for each other. That’s why 20% of our profits go toward funding therapy for those who can’t afford it.

If this post resonated with you, share it. You never know who might need it today.